Ode to Error

deconditioning requires the necessary step of reckoning with our mistakes.

Happy Gregorian year, I hope you had a soft transition, I was so happy to receive some of your photos from the radical reflection rituals around the world. After a mini hiatus, I am back, and I am excited about what is to come! I have planned a few more collaborations which I will announce in the coming weeks, and have been spending some time researching duality and queer ecology as the themes for next week’s Poetic Antidotes in movement, where you will also be able to access a movement meditation by Kindra Calonia.

I am still learning how to balance producing content, and practising what I preach (slowness and rest), I am ok with the fact that this will take time. And speaking of learning, today’s essay is all about mistakes.

On the 30th of December, I sat down with 5 dear friends in front of a beautiful fire and did the Radical Reflection Ritual that I created for our paid subscribers. As I wrote down what I had learned, wanted to keep, and wanted to let go, I suddenly realised that I had been very hard on myself in 2022. I realised there was a need for me to soften, to allow for error to enter my being and to surrender. This essay is part 1 of a series of two essays, one on error, and one on surrender (coming soon). Both have been dug from my archive and are free for you to read. You will find today’s ritual and a longer playlist at the end of the essay. Enjoy!

---

To heal, one must acknowledge the wound. To acknowledge the wound one must also recognise what brought it.

I am here to make the case for error. Not the romanticised error that makes you melancholic about the past, or the mistakes made when other bodies and minds are invaded and deprived of some freedom, I am talking about the necessary error that comes with learning; it is soft, buoyant and extremely human.

In fact, the things we see are often characterised by the inexact. Simon and Chabrin’s invisible gorilla experiment is a good example of how what we see is already defined by error. Our selective vision makes us misperceive reality, therefore our perception of reality is often erroneous. It is tragic and comic at the same time that mistakes are so inherent in our existence.

Yet, we have trouble accepting our imperfect nature. A study by Carol Travis and Elliot Aroson, Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts highlights how our imperfect nature makes us even less eager to accept our own errors.

“As fallible human beings, all of us share the impulse to justify ourselves and avoid taking responsibility for any actions that turn out to be harmful, immoral or stupid,” they say.

I relate to this, I have often felt ashamed about my imperfections and failures, about my ignorance about certain things, and much of my healing work has involved accepting my mistakes in order to evolve.

Mistakes and social change

In my writing and activism, I also strongly value accepting soft changes — mistakes- in minds and hearts to debunk our fear of imperfection. Much of my work is about questioning- existing paradigms and knowledge- and this cannot happen without acknowledging that failure is the card on the table.

If what I am doing is trying to decolonize my mind/society/body- and by that, I mean deconstructing the power imbalances that are, as Lit Hub so elegantly describes “practised as culturally encoded automated reflexes” of my own being- then I must acknowledge, even normalise, error.
⁣
Our fear of wrongdoing distances us from transparency, from our humanity, and from redemption and resilience. And most of all, it keeps us unaccountable. Our fear of error is correlated with many things that become political, for example, the lack of accountability of many sex offenders — better to disappear than to admit a mistake.

The #MeToo movement was so important because not only it gave women a voice, but it put so many people had to reckon with their own conditionings in a sexist society. The accountability, and the naming, created a wave where it was necessary to relearn how to navigate in a world where impunity for certain behaviours was not accepted anymore. Many had to question their own behaviour, admit mistakes, and understand how society had conditioned them to disregard certain behaviours. It was a slap in the face for many, culturally speaking.

Oops, I did it again!

Mistakes are a fundamental part of my writing process. Frustration, joy, and anger too. To give you an example, today I was struggling with the idea of surrender and finding resistance to new beginnings. ⁣
⁣
I shared my process of reckoning with surrender as a concept in both my interior self and my political understanding of it, this will be published later on the newsletter. Those who think that in my writing I am preaching what is right would say I am incoherent for sharing my understanding of surrender and then not embodying it fully.

Yet, it is a truth I have accepted that my knowledge and words are sometimes more evolved than my mind, which is still conditioned. ⁣I am ok with that, real change happens slowly.

⁣Whilst I can witness increasing alignment moving forward- a sign of growth perhaps?- there are temporary incoherence and repeated mistakes in what I do. Fear of error can be paralysing. I see humanity refusing to move forward for fear of not doing it right, or individuals not speaking up for fear of being judged as erroneous. This is why I believe that cancel culture can be extremely damaging: it stigmatises error and humiliates people into silence.
⁣
If unlearning is key, especially when it comes to feminism and social justice, and I truly believe it is, then it must start with admitting that there is something that isn’t right.

We must embrace error

To give you an example of how afraid we can be of unlearning. Whilst discussing how to pull men into the feminist movement, I was told by a friend not to use the word unlearning because most men don’t like the idea of it as it implies that they have been doing something wrong all this time. And so what? I thought, is it this much of a problem to reckon with your mistakes?

To begin well is an art form

This process is personal and must come from a humble place, I am not advocating for fake information or shouting from rooftops with the risk of damaging others, I am advocating for a more heartful and curious approach to sensitive topics such as racism and sexism.

I am inspired by conversations with men who acknowledge their discomfort in becoming an ally and are not afraid of voicing it. This is where the roots of change begin to dig the soil.

Allowing mistakes, rooted in respect for others, honesty, curiosity and humility is a fundamental part of changing this society. Too much silencing comes from a place of rejection of error, of unawareness of our limitations, we want to be blind in front of our own imperfections. ⁣
⁣
The narrative on error needs changing. As I danced my fears away yesterday afternoon I was introduced to a phrase I want to share with you. “To begin is just to begin, but to begin well is an art form”, and to begin well one must have begun badly many times. ⁣

If unromanticised, real, honest, momentary truths are also mistakes, then, I will continue making them and hope you do too. ⁣

In the name of political embodiment, I have left a Shadow ritual and a playlist to accompany it for paying subscribers 🌻